Do's and Don'ts of Zombie Writing (essay)

I love zombies. I love everything about zombies from their bone chipped, flesh clogged, teeth down to their decomposing toes. They come in all shapes and sizes these days; the fast angry zombies of 28 Days Later, the slow, mindless, brain eaters from Land of the Dead, and everything in between. And you know what? I think it's great! This surge of new zombie related content makes me glow with warming light down to the pit of my caustic, cynical, soul. Or rather... that's what I would be saying if I was still 17.

Yes, back in 2007, 17 year old me was very excited about zombies. I had a large collection of zombie video games, regularly watched new and old zombie movies, had more than one zombie related t-shirt, and would typically try to crack open my friends skulls to get to the warm jelly inside. Though that might have been a unrelated disorder entirely.

Today, though, zombies are the proverbial dead horse that every film maker, game producer, clothing magnate, and novelist, is bent on savaging until the last few dimes are belched from its decomposing corpse. Honestly, I'm embarrassed that my stance on zombies now amounts to, "I liked them before they were cool."; but in my sordid history the shamblers, I've picked up on the right and wrong things to do when it comes to writing anything about the beasts.

Don'ts

No Chainsaws
A very wise man once observed that chainsaws have been used against zombies in media more than they've been used against wood in real life. I have to audibly groan every time I see one of the carbon monoxide leaking machines being revved up by the group's strong man as he laughs triumphantly. It's getting to the point in this genres dimwitted life where the chainsaw is getting as predictable as the token slut getting buffed off shortly after the black guy in slasher movies.

Shotgun ≠ Invulnerable
Before leaving the idea of the character that's built like a brick shed to much, the subject of shotguns needs to be brought up. When did shotguns become the end all zombie destroying weapon? Why are they always carried by the Ving Rhames character? How many rounds does a typical shotgun carry, eight? Then you get to reload one bullet at a time? While zombies have already eaten your intestines are are moving quickly to your upper limbs? Thanks, I'll take a clip fed weapon.

"Tough Chicks"
I know it probably makes those of you with matched chromosomes feel good about your gender, and probably even solicits the occasional "You go, girl!" on pajama clad movie nights, but can we please get past the whole "tough chick" thing in zombie movies? I always had a lot of respect for Samus Aran from Metroid because her gender was never the focal point; it was always a matter of "She's a lady. She kills monsters. Let's watch her kill monsters.". The tough character is never particularly interesting, anyway. Taking a predictable, uninspired, blueprint and thinking that making it a girl will somehow make it interesting is flat out poor writing. I'm all for strong women in stories, but there is a line between a character that's a strong woman, and a strong character that is a woman. I guess what I'm saying is that my disinterested eye roll that used to be reserved for the entrance of the steroid pumped, "I'm a man!", character is starting to be shared with the equivalent female character.

Helpless Chicks are Passe
The flip side of that rather long argument is my frustration with the ever present prissy girl in zombie movies. The fact that there's always at least one bumbling female character prancing around in an outfit that was just fed through a lawn mower is criminal. Why has sex wormed its way into every genre? I'm trying to get my zombie on, I don't need a typical dumb blonde taking a shower whenever the writers feel like adding 15 minutes of padding because they don't want to work.

These last two points have been a bit tangential, but they're honestly just cries for gender equality in zombie media. Characters being carved out of the tough guy, sensitive guy, deep girl, slutty girl, etc. molds are completely unrelatable, not interesting, and most importantly, don't develop.

Don't Call the Zombies "The Nightmare"
Maybe this is more a video game thing, but I know I've seen it in at least one zombie movie. Unless you're going for silly campyness, for the love of your last shotgun shell, do not drop the "n" word when the characters are talking about the outbreak of zombies. Moreover, don't let them say it like it's supposed to be capitalized. "I wish everything could just go back to the way it was before The Nightmare!", cry, cry, obligatory sex scene between tough guy and helpless chick.


"Ya Gotta Shoot 'em In the Head!"
I've never been one to stand on tradition, and this one tradition that stupids seem to not only stand on, but stand on, chain to, and make out with. As with most other things that weigh zombie media down, the reason for ousting this dusty cliche can be summed up in one word: camp. It was delightfully grotesque to think that you'd have to blast a rotting corpse in the forehead to end their onslaught in the 70's, but it's just predictable at this point. And a character declaring to the others that it's the only way, and the others responding with confusion is just short of film makers insulting the audience. We know it, you know it, we know you know we know it. Get on with it.



Do's

Originality
Say you want to make a zombie movie. Imagine the key elements of every zombie movie you've ever seen, every zombie story you've ever read, and every zombie video game you've ever played. Now, don't do any of that. No tough guys with shotguns, to blondes getting their tits out when they think it's safe, no sensitive guy sacrificing himself to save the group, no maddened rush to a helicopter, no shopping malls. The status quo is destroying ever facet of media. If you really need to make a zombie anything, make it your own.

Break the Mold
Make the audience give a shit about your characters. If I had some change for every time a character I had no emotional investment in was fed to the zombie horde only to have their death be followed by sad music I'd be eating nickel soup. It's cool to feed a few characters to the woodchipper for its own sake, but expecting a reaction other than "Go, zombies!" is about as realistic as expecting me to tear up when the mailman drives away.

Sidestep Zombies Entirely
Going back and re-reading over some of these, this is starting to read like Baby's First Zombie Guide. These are all things that regularly frustrate me in zombie related media though, that's the frightening thing. I'd like to think that the hired professionals that are paid to write the tripe we see on shelves every few months are familiar with things like developing characters, but I'm really not seeing it. So for that reason, the best "Do" I can give you when it comes to writing anything about zombies it to not write about zombies at all.

"But Jeremiah, I want to write my story about a core group of survivors with complementary skills stranded by zombies in a mall waiting for a helicopter to pick them up!" Well, lets do the same basic thing, but make it the least bit good. How about instead of survivors with complimentary skills, they're cooperative strangers who don't excel at anything; that way they work together, develop, and have struggles. Instead of zombies, how about Japanese style ghosts, which have physical form. And instead of a mall, how about a logging camp in British Columbia? Lots of makeshift, log walls, and spooky forests. And instead of a helicopter saving them, make it a river boat that will take them to a stronghold in Washington State? Hold on, I need to write this down.